Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
