So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
