You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
