They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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