I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
