I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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