I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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