ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
