I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Randomize
