This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
