my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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