The maid of honor just puked.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Sorry about my life...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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