Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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