my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
