1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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