She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
