So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
