Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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