Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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