if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
