I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
