do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
