let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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