So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize