I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
