I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
