Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I hate all girls vehemently.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
