i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
