I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize