I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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