I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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