his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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