Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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