I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
