She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
