Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
