I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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