If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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