I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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