i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
