so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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