I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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