why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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