Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize