I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
