I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
