Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
