i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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