Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
