i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
