awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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