What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
