Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
