Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
