hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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