Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
