I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
