What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The air was thick with penises
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize