I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
