I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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