Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
