I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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